Updated: Feb 17
Instant horniness; for some people (mostly men) it might be a normal thing, but did you know that most woman (and some men) need time to get into the mood? Yes, starting straight away will eventually get you in the mood and eventually you will be able to come, but the orgasm is often less intense andddd there is less connection. There is not only still some sort of taboo around this subject, but also a lot of confusion.
As it’s mostly woman who will recognise themselves in this, I guess this blogpost is mostly focused on woman. However, whatever gender you are, take what you need and when you do recognise yourself or your partner in this, I recommend reading this blogpost together. It will be a great way to start the conversation. As good communication is very important. Let your partner know what is helpful for you.
Talking about your sex life is still a taboo, which is weird, because most of us have sex. I’ve noticed that the reason why it is a taboo lies in feeling ashamed. Ashamed to actually talk about sex itself, thinking that you are abnormal or that you might be broken. Rest assure, you are most likely not broken! We live in a world where you can watch sex any second of every day, on demand. There are movies and series with sex scenes and of course there is porn. What we see there, is most of the time very different from how we have sex in real life though. In a movie/series they can at least build some sort of a story, but especially in porn everyone seems to be horny 24/7.
Maybe when you start having sex or maybe even from beginning to end, you do not feel particularly in the mood; horny. Maybe this makes you think that you are somehow broken, that you and your partner are not meant to be or that this is what it’s suppose to be like and that you are a person who just doesn’t really enjoy having sex. Nonsense! The thing is that most of us need time to get into the mood. You can get yourself in the mood, but the best way is to actually get each other into the mood.
Don’t put too much pressure on it, as in lighting a 1000 candles, playing romantic music or wearing sexy lingerie. You can of course, if this helps you, but the focus should be on each other. Start by stroking each other’s body, explore, kiss, smile, move and press your bodies against each other. Do what feels natural and pleasant, but try to avoid oral and penetration. Notice how your partner’s body reacts to you touch and notice how your body reacts to your partner’s touch; movements, little shocks, noises, goosebumps, breathing.. play with each other, smell each other, feel the warmth and really experience each other! This is not for losers who don’t have sex ‘the proper way’; this is a proper way. It is a part of sex and if you’d ask me, I think it is the most important part.
Then when you both feel ready (;horny), you can take next steps, but make sure that you take the time for each other. A quickie is acceptable now and again, but don’t forget that sex is mostly about connection. Orgasms are not the goal, connection and feeling good is. The orgasm is just a (very pleasurable) side effect!
Do you recognise this? Does it take you more than 2 minutes to really want to have sex? If you have further questions, please don’t hesitate to send me a message and I will try and help you the best I can. Lots of love! X
Disclaimer: this advice doesn’t count for everyone and foreplay is whatever you count as foreplay. BUT, the point I’m trying to make, is that we should take the time to meet each other’s need in terms of feeling horny.